Here is something I have learned over years of sitting across from clients who walk in saying some version of the same thing: I don’t really know my style. I don’t know what I want. I just know something needs to change.
It happens all the time. They have their Pinterest board pulled up, their Instagram saves ready to go, maybe a few magazine pages they tore out months ago and have been carrying around ever since. They are ready to show me what they love. And then they freeze, because loving something and being able to articulate it are two very different things.
So I ask a different question. Not always first, but almost always eventually: okay, so what can you absolutely not stand?
The shift is immediate. The look I get is a little confused, a little amused, and sometimes genuinely relieved — like they have been waiting for someone to ask them something they actually know the answer to.
Because here is what I have found to be consistently true. Most people cannot easily tell you what they want. But they can tell you, quickly and specifically, what they cannot stand. And that, it turns out, is where the real design brief lives.
What You Can’t Stand Is More Specific Than What You Love
Think about it for a second.
When someone loves something, the feeling is often hard to put into words. “I just love it.” “It feels right.” “I don’t know, it’s just so me.” That is not unhelpful — it tells me something real about your instincts — but it does not give me a lot to work with in terms of specifics.
But when someone can’t stand something? They get specific fast.
“I can’t stand anything that feels cold and sterile.” “I hate when a room looks like a hotel lobby.” “Dark and moody is not for me, I need light.” “If I see shiplap I am walking out.” “I grew up in a house full of clutter and I will never go back.”
Now we are getting somewhere. Now I know something concrete about where the edges of your world are. And once I know the edges, I can start to fill in the middle.
The Things People Say They Can’t Stand (And What It Actually Tells Me)
Over the years I have noticed some patterns. Here are some of the most common ones and what I am actually hearing when a client says them.
“I can’t stand anything that feels too trendy.” You want to invest in your home, not redecorate every three years. You are drawn to timeless over fashionable, quality over novelty. You probably care more about how something will look in ten years than how it looks on Instagram right now. This tells me to lean classic, to be thoughtful about where we introduce personality, and to make sure we are not chasing a moment.
“I can’t stand when everything matches too perfectly.” You want a home that feels collected and lived-in, not like it was purchased in a single afternoon at a furniture showroom. You are probably drawn to layering, to mixing old and new, to spaces that tell a story. This tells me to think about incorporating pieces with history alongside new investment pieces, and to build a room that feels curated rather than coordinated.
“I can’t stand clutter but I also can’t stand when spaces feel cold and empty.” Welcome to the hardest brief in interior design, and also the most common one. What you are actually describing is intentional. You want everything in its place and every piece to earn its spot, but you still want warmth, texture, and life. This tells me we need to be very deliberate about what we bring in and equally deliberate about what we edit out.
“I can’t stand dark rooms.” Light is non-negotiable for you. It affects your mood, your energy, the way you feel in a space. This tells me that whatever we do, we protect the light. We choose finishes that reflect it, window treatments that invite it, and layouts that do not block it.
“I can’t stand when a home doesn’t feel like the people who live there.” This one is my favorite. It tells me you want authenticity over aspiration. You are not trying to live in a showroom. You want your home to feel like you, specifically, not like a generic version of good taste. This tells me to listen harder, dig deeper, and resist the urge to default to safe when what you actually need is specific.
Why This Works Better Than Asking About Your Style
The question “what is your design style?” sounds helpful. In practice it is one of the least useful questions in a design conversation.
Most people answer it with words like “modern but warm” or “classic but not stuffy” or “I don’t know, kind of transitional?” And those words mean something different to every person who says them. One person’s “cozy” is another person’s “cluttered.” One person’s “clean and simple” is another person’s “cold and boring.”
Language about style is vague. Language about what drives you crazy is precise.
When I ask what you hate, I am not trying to be contrarian. I am trying to get to the honest, specific, unfiltered version of your preferences before the self-editing starts. Because the moment someone tries to answer “what do you love,” they often start performing the answer they think they should give rather than the one that is actually true.
Ask someone what they can’t stand and the filter comes down almost immediately. They stop trying to sound sophisticated and start telling me the truth. And the truth is what I can actually design from.
How to Use This Before Your First Designer Conversation
You do not have to wait for a designer to ask you. You can do this exercise on your own right now, and it will make your first conversation significantly more useful.
Grab a notebook or open a note on your phone and answer these questions as honestly as you can. Do not edit yourself. Do not try to sound like you know what you are talking about. Just tell the truth.
What is one thing you see in other people’s homes that you would never want in yours?
What is one style, trend, or look that has been everywhere lately that makes you cringe a little?
What does your current home have in it that you genuinely cannot wait to change?
What is one thing that, if a designer suggested it, would make you immediately say no?
Those four answers will tell you, and any designer you work with, more about your actual aesthetic than a hundred saved images ever could. They are the edges of your world. Once you know where the edges are, everything inside them starts to make sense.
The Client Who Did Not Know What She Wanted
I worked with a client a while back who came to me convinced she had no style. She had lived in her home for years, had changed almost nothing since she moved in, and felt completely overwhelmed every time she tried to make a decision about what to do with it.
When I asked her what she loved, she froze. When I asked her what she couldn’t stand, she talked for twenty minutes.
She couldn’t stand anything that felt heavy or dark. She couldn’t stand rooms that felt closed off from each other. She couldn’t stand furniture that looked like you were not allowed to sit on it. She couldn’t stand when art was hung too high. She couldn’t stand the word “farmhouse.”
By the time she was done talking, I had a complete picture of exactly what her home needed to feel like. Light, open, approachable, connected, livable. Everything that followed — the palette, the furniture plan, the materials — came directly from that conversation.
She did not have no style. She had very specific taste that she had never been given permission to articulate in the right direction.
That is what asking the right question first can do.
Ready to Figure Out What Your Home Actually Needs?
If you have been putting off reaching out to a designer because you do not know how to describe what you want, consider this your permission to start with what you cannot stand. That is enough. That is actually more than enough.
Bring your honest answers to a first conversation and we will take it from there.
Kristen McGee is an NCIDQ-certified interior designer and licensed realtor serving Birmingham and beyond.
